


That Old Familiar Pain

by easilydistractedbyfanfic



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas, F/M, Murphy has some things to make up for, Mutual Pining, New Years, Nostalgia, Past Relationship(s), Past regret, Pining, Sentimental, Winter, and he intends to start, inspired by a song, some cussing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22139758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/easilydistractedbyfanfic/pseuds/easilydistractedbyfanfic
Summary: A chance run-in with his old lover makes John Murphy realize how much he's missing.Inspired by one of my favorite melancholy songs played most frequently at the new year.
Relationships: John Murphy/Raven Reyes
Comments: 10
Kudos: 34





	That Old Familiar Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Happy 2020, fellow Murven fans! I thought about this story when I heard this song on the radio recently, and if you don't know it, I really encourage you to give it a listen. Ah, how it hits me right in the feels! Hope you enjoy!

_Met my old lover in the grocery store_

_The snow was falling Christmas Eve_

_I stood behind her in the frozen foods_

_And I touched her on the sleeve_

_We went to have ourselves a drink or two_

_But couldn't find an open bar_

_We bought a six-pack at the liquor store_

_And we drank it in her car_

_She said she's married her an architect_

_Who kept her warm and safe and dry_

_She would have liked to say she loved the man_

_But she didn't like to lie_

_We drank a toast to innocence_

_We drank a toast to now_

_We tried to reach beyond the emptiness_

_But neither one knew how_

_We drank a toast to innocence_

_We drank a toast to time_

_Reliving, in our eloquence_

_Another "Auld Lang Syne"_

_The beer was empty and our tongues were tired_

_And running out of things to say_

_She gave a kiss to me as I got out_

_And I watched her drive away_

_Just for a moment I was back at school_

_And felt that old familiar pain_

_And, as I turned to make my way back home_

_The snow turned into rain_

_~snippets from Same Auld Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg_

  
  


Murphy knew going back to his home town for Christmas might mean he’d run into some of his old friends, but this… he never planned on _this_. Close to ten o’clock on Christmas Eve night and here he is in the passenger seat of Raven Reyes’ car, the two of them alone in the almost deserted frozen parking lot, trying to stay warm despite the snow piling up outside. Although he supposed she had a different last name now, the ring on her finger bringing an unexpected pang of pain to his chest. 

He’d spotted her in the grocery store and before he could second-guess himself he’d approached her, both nervous and thrilled at the thought of talking with her after so long. It had been something he’d tried not to think about when his new editor, Marcus Kane, invited him for Christmas - the prospect of seeing Raven. But when the moment was there, right in front of him for the taking, there was no way he could resist it so he gently touched her sleeve. Her smile was exactly the way he remembered it, lighting up her face in a way that made him feel warm all over, and he didn’t know which one of them reached for the other first but then they were hugging right there next to the frozen pizzas and it felt like going back in time. 

She was picking up some things she’d forgotten for Christmas dinner the next day, and he was too tongue-tied to say much at first, but somehow they’d agreed to go for a drink together and they’d bundled into her car. They couldn’t find an open bar, and they’d laughed and joked about the small town they’d grown up in and how some things never changed, ending up with a six-pack from the always reliable liquor store and driving back to the grocery lot where Raven pulled in next to his rented SUV. 

The conversation flowed easily at first, him explaining that he’d chosen Kane as his new editor after his original publishing house had wanted to make some changes to his new contract that he’d disagreed with, and it sent them headfirst into memories of Clarke, Marcus’ stepdaughter and long a friend of both he and Raven, and then they’d touched on all the mutual people they knew, reminiscing about how they all used to be in what felt like a lifetime ago. 

“I can’t believe we haven’t seen each other for so long,” Raven shakes her head. “But you’re a big, hot-shot author now, so it’s no wonder.” 

There’s a twinkle in her eye when she says it, so Murphy knows she’s teasing, but they both are under no delusions that it’s _his_ fault that they grew apart. He always knew it was a mistake, even while he let it happen, but looking at her now he’s fully and frustratingly aware that it’s the biggest regret of his life. 

He’d gotten a prestigious writing fellowship in college, and it was an incredible opportunity that would send him to Europe for the year. Saying no never occurred to him, and Raven understood - she’d promised they could do a long-distance relationship and swore she loved him, and she’d been amazing at all of it just like she was amazing at everything. It had been him who had fumbled - not making her a priority as he got caught up in the pretentious circle of his new friends, not sticking to their phone call schedule because the timing was inconvenient or he’d blown it off to sleep. He’d taken her for granted, gotten addicted to his own self-importance and acted like an ass, and by the time the year was over they’d more than grown apart - he’d hurt her profoundly and they never recovered. 

Afterwards, he’d thrown himself into his writing and churned out book after book that miraculously turned him into a famous author, and he convinced himself that he didn’t need anyone like he had once needed Raven, and the friends of his youth had faded into the background until they were only memories he tried hard to forget. He wonders now, fleetingly, if his decision to make Kane his new editor had its roots in his long-buried desire to get back what he’d lost, but it’s a thought he’ll shelve for another time, for now far more interested in drinking in the sight of Raven before him. Almost seven years and she looks exactly the way he pictures her in his mind so frequently, as if hardly any time has passed at all. If only. 

“I might have a few New York Times’ best sellers,” he concedes, “but I’m still shit at keeping in touch.”

Her mouth tightens for just a moment, but then she grins again and he’s disappointed, wishing she’d lash out at him so he could beg her forgiveness like he should have done a million times over by now. 

“If you’re in town long enough to be invited to Marcus and Abby’s New Year’s Eve party, then maybe I’ll bring one for you to sign to make up for it.”

He’s thought about it for years, curious if she’s ever read any of his books. Ever thought about him, about _them_ , while she did so. There’s so much of her in his writing that she wouldn’t be able to overlook, and he wants to ask if his stories pleased her in any way, but he has no right and he knows it. Shaking off the residual bitterness that comes along with that acknowledgement, he smiles ruefully. 

“That hardly seems like a punishment that fits the crime,” he chides, not looking away in hopes that she can see the sincerity in his eyes. 

“It’s water under the bridge, John Murphy. Now, tell me what you’ve been up to these few years since you can travel wherever you want or buy anything your heart desires.”

Her words are measured, calm, but he’s gratified to note he can still read her enough to know that they aren’t the complete truth. He won’t push - it’s a relief that she can still muster any outrage towards him at all, honestly, and maybe he can even hope that if there's still temper there, maybe other things still simmer as well. Like they do for him. 

“Embarrassingly, now that I _have_ money, I suck at doing things with it. My younger self would be pissed. The only thing you might actually approve of is that I built a house with a huge library that’s filled with books, but mostly I close myself in my office and write. Sometimes there’s a book tour, but those are publicity things, not travel for fun.” He takes a slow sip from his beer, aware that this is the first time he’s hinting to anyone that his life isn’t measuring up to what he’d hoped it would be. That it’s Raven he’s telling it to doesn’t surprise him. 

“Sounds lonely.”

From the stricken look on her face after she speaks, Raven regrets the words as soon as she says them, but there’s no taking them back and he’s not quite as big of a fool as he used to be, so he takes the opportunity she’s inadvertently offered. 

“It can be. But I’d much rather hear about _you_. I’ve often wondered how you’ve been. Seems like you aren’t as lonely as me, though.” Murphy nods towards the ring on her finger, making it clear he’s noticed, and Raven’s fingers drift over the gold band self-consciously. 

“Everybody has to grow up sometime. Besides, it felt like the next logical step. And logic is what I do best.” Raven laughs wryly, but the humor doesn’t reach her eyes and he senses she’s more serious than joking as she takes a long drink from her bottle. 

Oh. Now _that's_ interesting. Dread filled him as soon as he asked about her marriage, as he considered how she feels about her husband and what she might say about him, but this isn’t at all what he was preparing himself for. Why doesn’t she look happy? And how much of an asshole is he for feeling his heart leap at the prospect that she _isn’t_?

Raven seems to notice his confusion and quickly makes an effort to assuage any awkwardness, but he seizes on the possibility that maybe it’s not too late after all, barely focusing as she changes the subject. He manages to nod in the right places as his mind races, and it’s only when Raven tentatively places her fingers on his wrist that he’s jolted out of his daydreams, her skin warm and gentle and, as he knows from experience, impossible to forget. 

“It’s late. I should get going,” she explains, and it could be he’s reading too much into it but he'd swear there’s a tinge of disappointment in her voice. 

“Raven, it was...really good to see you.” There’s so much more to it than that, so much left unsaid between them, but for now it’s enough, more than he ever expected. 

She smiles, and this time it does reach her eyes, and it happens so fast he can barely register it but she leans towards him, dropping a soft kiss on his cheek that almost-but-not-quite touches the corner of his mouth. 

“It was good to see you, too. Goodnight, Murphy.”

“Goodnight.”

Neither of them says anything about what might come next; whether they’ll see each other again or if this accidental run-in has changed anything other than a smoothing of the past between them. But for him it might as well have been an earthquake with the way his foundation feels so shaken. He pulls himself together and gets out of her car, the snow coming up around his boots higher than it was when they first started talking. 

Her car slides out slowly into the slushy parking lot, and he watches her tail lights fade out into the foggy distance until he can’t see them anymore. It’s so familiar - being back home, watching her drive away after a night together - and it hits him that this is the first time he’s felt _right_ in longer than he cares to consider. The epilogue he’d so unexpectedly just gotten with Raven is a helluva lot better than he deserves, he knows. Standing in the empty lot as the snow turns into rainy drizzle, he wraps his coat tighter around himself and decides that he’ll tell Kane he’s changed his mind about leaving and will stick around for their New Year’s party after all. 

Maybe if Raven hadn’t sounded so resigned to her fate, he could’ve left this tiny place behind and been satisfied with the warm buzz their reunion has stirred in him, replacing the bitter acid that’s accompanied thoughts of her for so many years. But just the suggestion that she’s even a little bit unhappy is too much of a temptation and there’s no way he can resist it, not when seeing her again has him unable to deny the dormant desire he's always carried for her. He has to know, one way or another, if there’s any hint of a chance for a future with them together, even if he might be the world’s biggest bastard for hoping like hell that her marriage is terrible. 

Stomping his feet, he climbs into his rental and turns on the heater. It fits that there’s a sentimental song on the radio, with lyrics of past loves that tug at him, though they only serve to make him more certain. He lost her once, and in all the ways that mattered, his life has stood still ever since. He won’t make the same mistake again. 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments & kudos are much appreciated! And if it's your sort of thing, the most recent round of The 100 Kink Meme started TODAY! You can leave prompts or fills for any t100 pairing and you can do so anonymously without registering for anything! Find the link on my tumblr page @easilydistractedbyfanfic! If you leave a Murven prompt it's no secret I read them all and may very well be inspired to fill it!


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